|Go Jamie! You're well on your way...|
In fact, all mothers who breastfeed a child old enough to stand up and ask for it are just asking for it too - asking for someone to say that we must have creepy weird fetishy sexual feelings we're satisfying by letting our innocent child suck on our breasts.
For the record, just before he weaned, my son wouldn't even have needed the chair.So tell me, how do you figure this goes? Was I always sexually attracted to my child? From day 1 as a 1.7kg newborn? Is that why I was so keen to breastfeed? Yeah, baby! What other reason could there be?
Or did my hots grow with my child? Perhaps I secretly fancied him at his first birthday. He was just about as cute as they come... Oops, the American Academy of Pediatrics approves feeding until a year or longer. Hmmm, they say "medical and neurodevelopmental advantages" - so bang goes that fetish theory so far.
He was a regular sweet talker by the age of 2 - was that when he became my favourite sex toy? But wait, the WHO says I can feed him until 2 or longer - "it helps to space children, reduces the risk of ovarian cancer and breast cancer, increases family and national resources, is a secure way of feeding and is safe for the environment..." What, nothing about sexual satisfaction? Maybe I wasn't creepy mummy yet then either.
Maybe I started lusting after him at age 3, when Grandma took him for his first grownup haircut. He really looked so much like a BIG BOY then, nudge, nudge, wink, wink, say no more. Maybe that's why I just couldn't let him go and give up breastfeeding? Of course, some anthropologist seems to think "it's normal for our species."
Must have been that 4-year-old testosterone surge that made him physically irresistible. Maybe I looked at my ever-keen but underserviced husband and thought "Sorry, honey, I know you've been waiting your turn and you thought you were young enough for me. But there's new boy in town - and it's your son!" And got down and dirty and kept on breastfeeding. Of course, the world average weaning age may or may not be 4 years old. Or older. Or younger.
I know, I know, it was at 5. We all know how sexy a school uniform is - and I even took a picture of my new schoolboy in his so I could look at him when he wasn't even there. Just look at those skinny white legs and knobby knees in those navy shorts and socks. Who wouldn't want some of that, eh? Forget Tiger Mom, here comes Cougar Mom!
I guess I was over him by 6, because we both agreed that it would be OK to stop. I just couldn't take his smartass attitude, and he was too addicted to computer games and Lego to care very much.
Excuse me, I've gotta go turn my 4-year-old daughter into a lesbian.
Was it good for you?